Team Building Tips

To BE a good listener you need to ACT like a good listener.  A good listener listens to thoroughly understand what the other person is saying.

Most people do not really communicate.  Instead, they merely take turns talking.  Some folks may act like listeners but might really just be thinking of what they’re going to say when it’s their turn to talk.  When you find yourself doing this, immediately say to yourself, “Right now, this isn’t about me – it’s about the one who is talking to me.  I want to understand!”  If you rearrange the letters in the word LISTEN, you get the word SILENT.  This says it all.  Keeping silent – both of mouth and mind – is the primary prerequisite for effective listening that leads to true understanding.

Here are eight ways to become the kind of listener who really understands others:

1. Maintain good eye contact.  You don’t need to stare, just engage the eyes of the speaker for a few seconds at a time before breaking contact briefly to signal attentiveness to other parts of the face and body, especially as these are used in gesturing to reinforce points being made and emotions being expressed.

2. Sit attentively.  Lean forward occasionally indicating alertness but not tenseness.  When you feel bored or distracted, look down and then look again at the speaker focusing on the eyes.  This serves as a kind of “rebooting” experience and helps to “start fresh” with the listening process.  Remember, listening isn’t about you as the listener – it’s about the one you’re listening to.

3. Remain patient and relaxed especially when the speaker provides tedious information in a monotonous manner.  When this happens, it might be a good idea to make a request for clarification and briefly summarize what has been said over the past few moments and then ask a question like, “What did you learn from that?” or “Was there anything you feel you could have done differently?” if such a question is appropriate.  This technique of “summary and question” can move the speaker toward a clearer understanding of the intended message and elicit conversation that moves quicker to that end.

4. Ask questions.  Use questions to give encouragement and guidance to the speaker.  As mentioned above, sometimes the speaker doesn’t fully understand what it is he/she wants to say at the beginning of the conversation.  Only after talking for a while does the message become clear enough to express succinctly.  We start out speaking what we think but wind up speaking as we think.  Questions can help guide the thinking process of the speaker toward clarity of thought, emotion and expression.

Examples of such questions are:

“Who did it?”

“What did you do?”

“How did you do that?”

“Where did you do that?”

“When was that?”

“What needs to be done?”

“How did you feel about that?”

“What else could have been done?”

“Who else could have done it?”

“Is there anything else?”

“How did you deal with that?”

“What are you going to do now?”

5. Enjoy listening.  Let the speaker know of your desire to be in conversation with him/her.  Nod your head occasionally, smile when appropriate.  Respond to physical cues that might indicate distress or detachment by using reassuring language like, “I can understand why you think this is important,” or “I appreciate the time you’re taking to tell me this” or something similar.

6. Express gratitude for the speaker’s time and trust in you.  This is important.  People like applause, attention and recognition.  You can give this to the one talking by verbal comments like:

“I see.”

“That’s interesting.”

I never knew that.”

“Oh!”

“Wow!”

“Cool!”

“That is wonderful!”

“I can see why you’d say that!”

“I appreciate your time.”

“Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.”

“I think that’s special.”

“You did a good thing.”

“That sounds like something I’d like to do.”

7. Be open and honest about the topics of conversation.  If you don’t know much about what the speaker is talking about, let him/her know you are not informed on the subject.  You might use phrases such as,

“I don’t know much about that.”

“I’ve never been there.”

“I’ve not heard of that before.”

“Is that right!”

“I didn’t know that!”

“I’m learning something here.”

8. Give feedback.  Check for your understanding of what the speaker actually wants to say.  Listen “between and beyond the words.”  Your initial perception of what is being said will be different from what the speaker intends to say but, as the conversation progresses, both you and the speaker will become clearer regarding what the message actually is.

Feedback and perception checking can be provided in the form of questions such as the following:

“Is this what you mean?”  Repeat what has been said putting it into your own words.

“Do I understand this correctly?”

“May I paraphrase what I hear you saying by using an example from my own experience?”

“Could I have an example of what you’re saying?”

“This is what I hear you telling me . . . is that right?”

“That rings true for me, too.”

Listen to Understand Yourself

By consciously and creatively combining these eight approaches to intentional listening you’ll discover a depth of understanding of others that may surprise you.  It will give you renewed confidence in your relationships because you’ll appreciate more fully where others “are coming from” and why they behave as they do.  You’ll be able to "listen out" of others what they want to say but often find difficult to put into words.

One of the most powerful ways to understand yourself is to understand others better.  This is because inside each of us is a tiny version of all of us.  No matter how we experience life we are all, at the core, human beings.  As we come to a more intimate and complete understanding of those around us through really listening, we also arrive at a deeper, more fulfilling understanding and appreciation of who we truly are and of all that we are truly capable of accomplishing in our lives.

Ken Wallace, M. Div., CSL has been in the organizational development field since 1973. He is a seasoned consultant, speaker and executive coach with extensive business experience in multiple industries who provides practical organizational direction and support for business leaders. A professional member of the National Speakers Association since 1989, he is also a member of the International Federation for Professional Speaking and holds the Certified Seminar Leader (CSL) professional designation awarded by the American Seminar Leaders Association. Ken is one of only eight certified Business Systems Coaches worldwide for General Motors. His topics include ethics, leadership, change, communication & his unique Optimal Process Design® program. Tel:(800)235-5690 Claim your FREE Leadership Self-Evaluation Checklist and your FREE 5-Day Mini-Course on how to get off your mark and into the life of your dreams, "Get It Done By Tomorrow!" by visiting the Better Than Your Best website.