Some disputes are worth your effort. Some are worth turning your back and walking away. How do you when to talk and when to walk? The following seven questions, when used together, serve as an informal litmus test:
1. Can I let this go...really let it go? Sometimes you think you can let go of it, maybe even think you have, but the effects creep into your mind, your heart, or your relationship. The walls in home and work relationships build one brick at a time, after all. If you can't really let go, or try and find it isn't working, then there's a message for you in that. Spend some time understanding what's eating at you and then deal with that.
2. If I don't deal with this one, will it eat at a work or home relationship that is important to me? This is a slightly different version of the first question. I recommend considering both of them because the slightly different spin can offer you a pair of insights.
3. If I confront this, what are the things I and my relationship with that person will gain? In my experience, folks considering whether or not to try to deal with a conflict have a pretty easy time catastrophizing. Dwelling on all that could go wrong prevents you from giving equal time to all you may be missing if you don't deal.
4. What is the worst that can happen if it doesn't go well and what specific steps will I take to recover? The other problem with catastrophe is dwelling in the muck without investing time to determine how you might get out of it. I find that when clients consider the worst case scenario and then consider concrete steps they'd take to recover, it becomes much clearer about whether it's worth confronting the problem or letting it truly slide away for posterity. The reality? The worst-case scenario rarely happens.
5. Are there others who stand to lose if I don't confront this? Are there co-workers, direct reports, customers, family members, or others on whom this situation has had an impact and who would benefit, directly or indirectly, from you stepping up to the conversation?
6. When I imagine myself thinking about this in a month, will this be one that counted? Will I even remember it in a month? What about a year from now? Enough said.
7. When I'm 100 and looking back at my life, will this be a dispute or a relationship that counted? I call this one my "life review litmus test." It's the one I use with myself and with my clients when they're struggling with taking on a difficult conversation with a loved one or a treasured colleague.
Dr. Tammy Lenski offers more tips for untangling conflict and getting back on track at work and home with Find Your Conflict Zen, a 5-part series delivered by email. The series begins with The Conflict Zen Guide to Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and mini-guide designed especially to help you think through your most important conversations before you have them. Grab your own copy of the tips and worksheet today: http://lenski.com/talking-it-out-in-ten/ (c) Copyright by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved worldwide.